I looked back on my last post…almost 3 months ago. I had just entered my Pipes drawing titled “Interconnected” in a show that was located an hour away. A close friend of mine went with me to see the jurors big reveal as to who made it into the show and who received awards. I was excited, as I walked through the gallery I did not see my peice. That meant either I received an award or I was not accepted. The juror explained what she was looking for. “Did the picture set a mood?” Or “did it convey a message?” Not looking good.
This particular juror was a watercolor artists and a realist. Typically I am a realist but I went a different direction with this one. As each were revealed it became slowly apparent that not only did I not win an award I did not even make the show. I put on my mature looser face as we browsed through the show and had some snacks. Once the amount of time had passed to be polite I retrieved “Interconnect” from the closet of rejected works and headed home, tail tucked.
This rejection followed a previously dismal showing as the “Artist of the Day” at another local festival. My ego was stomped, bruised, bashed…you get the picture.
I decided to take a break. Time passed and the break grew. I just couldn’t get the desire back. My teaching job soon resumed and my time disappeared. Lost and overwhelmed I have been battling a defeated cloud ever since. I know all artists go through these moments. Why is it so hard to shake. Where is my faith? Where is my belief in who I was created to be?
I allowed one persons opinion of one drawing to defeat me. To completely rob me of my identity as an artist, as a person. One juror didn’t pick my picture. Big stinking deal. Was I created for her? Nope. I was created for a purpose and I am pretty sure it wasn’t for the approval of one person. I was created to create. It is who I am. It is who I was meant to be. To be less and to do less leaves me empty, lacking purpose.
So where is my faith? It never left me it just got a little pushed back underneath a cloud of doubt. So, I won’t have enough art to apply for a fellowship this year. It doesn’t change a thing. I am still going to create just as I am being re-created everyday.